All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
