You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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