She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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