Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
