Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
