Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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