i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
