Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
