somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jรคger.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip ๐๐๐
Your skills amaze me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize