she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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