i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
