dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
