An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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