I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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