you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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