why didn't you poke me back
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
