my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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