nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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