her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
