I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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