i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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