I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox