if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately