My brain says no but my pants say off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
