my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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