He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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