Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
