its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
