Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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