Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
