Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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