wakey wakey hands off snakey
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
