did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
