i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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