I accidentally burped into my bong.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
