bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
