OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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