Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
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So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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