I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
