Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
