I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize