So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
