I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
