i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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