Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
