Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Welp...herpes.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
