so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
