I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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