wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
