I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
