My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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