I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
