I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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