I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
