..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
