tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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