I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
