I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
