You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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