Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
